the world a letter

I'm going to keep going with the story, I hope that's ok. Here goes:

Ok, so senior year wound down, and I was spending more time with Dara, and her friend Deb. I remember swimming in Deb’s pool with them—Dara was wearing a black bikini, I couldn’t stop staring she says though I don’t remember, I only remember wanting to. Then school ended, and Deb went on vacation with her parents, and Dara and I got to use the empty huge strange house (it had a demi-courtyard with a few dead trees in the center, and terracotta tiling on the roof—we used to sit on the roof and look at the sky over the pool. Luxury like this, I was not used to.) for, no joke, 6 weeks I think. We talked about all sorts of things, but really, I don’t remember sexual tension per se.

One day we saw "When Harry Met Sally" (awww, I know) and had the fateful discussion, driving to the beach. We used to drive to Point Pleasant/Bay Head at night, and sit on the sand, watch the waves, listen. Anyway, when I said I was attracted to her at the time I meant it only like, hey, I'm 18, you're 18, and hot, so of course I’m attracted to you, duh. But she took it more personally (thank god). A few awkward days later, walking in the rain, talking about college (I was going to Rutgers, she to Barnard), we kissed and holy if that wasn't the center of the universe inhabited, growing out of us like life created itself--we've talked about it since (obviously) and both felt the same sensation, the world for that kiss turned on where we were. Or, that the world opened from us and watched. A touchstone for any sense of spirituality I have ever, or will ever, have.

We didn’t talk about it for a few days, then we were in Deb’s bedroom (duh) listening to the Van Morrison album Moondance. I simply didn’t know how to break the tension, so I said “Can I kiss you?” She said no. I thought “that was a stupid thing to say” and kissed her, we were naked a few minutes later, crushing the rolled-up posters Deb had piled on her bed in anticipation of going to college.

And so began the wonderful month of August 1989, spent at Deb's house, in the pool, in the tub, drinking hot chocolate, alone, fooling around constantly. We told each other that we were just friends, having fun until college. We felt so in control--I had a whole movie idea plotted out, structured around the idea of the difference between what people wanted and who they were, and the way what they wanted changed them, over time, the pursuit of it I mean. Something like that.

You can probably see where this is going, so I'll leave it there, on the sweet sustaining note. Oh god, was I falling hard.